First Time Secrets

A reader named Carl wrote in recently with the following question:

It is going to be my first time soon. I am getting married and my religioius beliefs have keep me virtuous up to now. However, my Fiance who didn’t always have the same values has had sex with more than one person.

Though it has been some time since her last and We are bothvery excited about our new life, I wish to satify her and give her a pleasant surprise.

So I know she IS the one — trust me, i have thought long and hard. I have no doubt I will please her as i know her very well. But with my lack of experience I have a lot to learn and would like the confidence to make her feel extra ordinary! She is my world…

So if you have any advice for my case please let me know. It seems that the sessions are aimed at a younger audience and being a mature adult I know what I am about to do.

Carl, congratulations on your upcoming wedding night! Of course you must both be very excited. Your future wife is very lucky to have a man so interested in pleasing her!

From reading the rest of your letter, I can see that you’re familiar with much of what I teach in my First Time Secrets guide to losing your virginity. So here are a few things you might want to try that should give her a pleasant surprise on your wedding night and beyond:

Give her a sensual massage. Women love to come home and find candles lit, maybe some flowers or music (anything you think of as romantic) and to enjoy a non-sexual massage. If you have some nice massage oil and rub her back, her legs, etc. with it, she will feel so good that pretty soon it will probably turn into a front massage (wait for her to roll over and initiate this).

A nice sensual massage is something that women get REALLY surprised by and will always remember and they will tell their friends what a wonderful, thoughtful husband they have. And they will want to surprise you with lingerie or other fun things!

Don’t ever go straight for her breasts or vagina. You don’t sound like that kind of guy anyways — but make sure that you enjoy the foreplay. Kiss each other, caress each other, don’t be in a hurry for the “main event”.

Linger on removing her clothing. This is very sexy as well. Kiss her neck, her collarbone, maybe her earlobe, whatever seems to turn her on, before you even start removing her clothes. This drives us crazy!

Before sex, give her good oral pleasure. There really is nothing better to get a woman turned on, lubricated and very ready for intercourse. If you are unsure what to do, it’s kind of like kissing.

You’ll want to vary the places on her actual vagina that you lick. Don’t stick to the same spot for too long because otherwise it starts to feel tickly or numb. Try “writing” the letters of the alphabet with your tongue — I once had a guy do this while humming “A, B, C” and it drove me crazy with pleasure! (With occasional breaks for giggling.)

Make sure you lick her clitoris (THE most sensitive spot on a woman’s vagina) but be gentle and tell her to ask you if she would like more pressure. Most guys make the mistake of thinking they have to apply lots of pressure — start out gentle!

Try to “flatten” your tongue and not have it be really pointy, a flatter tongue feels less probing and more erotic.

If you make subtle noises that let her indicate you are enjoying what you are doing to her, you like the smell and taste of her, it is even better. Some men love the smell and taste of a woman’s vagina, other men acquire a taste for it, and a few never do. Most men learn to  to enjoy it because SHE will enjoy this more than anything (even if she can’t admit it!).

This is the single most important sexual skill you can ever learn. I have heard from a number of women (especially the ones with children) that even if they felt too tired to have sex, if their lover “went down on them” they were suddenly more than awake and ready for sex!

A few women also don’t like getting oral sex, but this usually is not because they don’t enjoy the physical act, it’s because they feel they “smell bad” or are embarrassed. Once you yourself have experienced the feel of your wife’s mouth on your penis, you will understand how wonderful oral pleasure is (for both people).

If she is uncomfortable, don’t pressure her, but let her know that you would love to express your affection for her in this wonderful and pleasurable way.

I wish you the best of luck. Please write me again if you have any other questions — and especially to tell me how your first time goes!

I am very excited for you and wish you a long and happy sexual journey with your wife!

I do some shopping on Amazon from time to time, and today I found a list of awesome teen books about losing your virginity. Well, the list author says they’re “awesome” — the only one I’ve read is Judy Blume’s Forever, and that IS a really good read.

Sometimes there’s nothing like a little reading to dispel your fears. And if you’re not sure whether you’re ready yourself… why not read about someone else losing it? There’s no risk when you read other people’s stories of lost virginity, and hey, it passes the time. And maybe you’ll learn something.

No matter how confident a person you may be, having sex for the first time is a scary prospect for pretty much anyone. It’s like climbing into a car for the first time and being told to just start driving — a lot of things could go wrong, but you don’t really understand what they are until you start going.

There are a lot of things to worry about on your first time. You want to choose the right person. You’re nervous about taking the risk of actually suggesting that you HAVE sex. (How embarrassing will it be if the other person doesn’t want to?)

And then there’s the risk that, well, you’ll be lousy in bed.

I received an email recently asking the following question that really tugged at my heartstrings:

Dear Samantha,

Do you have any sex tips that will hide my virginity? I don’t want her to know it’s my first time.

Thanks,
John

I think John’s question is one that a lot of people have before their first time. Nobody wants to look like a beginner — fumbling around with zippers, saying the wrong thing, touching your lover the wrong way, making the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable.

No way! You want to be smooth and confident. You want to hit that perfect mix where you’re kind of taking charge, but kind of just letting the whole experience happen. Zen sex, you might call it.

So without further ado, here are my top five sex tips for someone who wants to hide their virginity:

1. Talk. If you can communicate with someone, you can have good sex with them. If you can’t, forget it — the sex just isn’t going to be good.

For good sex, you’ll need to be able to tell the other person how you’re feeling, what you want, what you don’t want. Imagine if you couldn’t!

Sadly, this is often the case — we’re afraid to talk, so we suffer through sex that just doesn’t feel good. My advice? Do whatever you have to do so you feel comfortable with the other person first. I don’t want to sound old-fashioned here, but dating is a pretty good place to start.

Often we’re so wrapped up in our own thoughts that we forget to think about the other person. Don’t make that mistake — it will make you a bad lover, trust me. Think about them and their needs — and maybe they’ll do the same for you.

2. Consider telling the truth. If you want to hide your virginity, you’re starting your sex life based on a lie. Lies tend to kill intimacy and make things difficult.

How bad would it be if she knew the truth about you? Or to put it another way… how would you feel if you found out later that it was HER first time and she lied to you about it?

People like it when you have the courage to tell them the truth, even if you’re embarrassed about it. Sharing something like this about yourself can bring you closer together — and that’s what you’re looking for, right?

3. Ask questions. One of the biggest mistakes a lot of people make early in their sex lives is to assume that being a good lover is all about THEM. Here’s a tip: good lovers don’t put on a big show — they pay a lot of attention to THEIR lovers.

If you’re worried about looking like a beginner, the worst thing you can do is to try strutting into the bedroom and putting on a big show of how confident you are. Trust me: try that and you’ll look like a fool.

Instead, be a considerate lover. Try asking a few questions. Here are a few to get you started:

• Are you comfortable?
• Is there anything you want to talk about before we do this?
• Are you nervous about anything?
• Can you show me how you want to be touched?

4. Take turns. This is a great game to play, whether you’re experienced or not. Suggest to your lover that you take turns inviting each other to try something sexual — she goes first.

Both of you have the right to refuse any invitation at any time. If she turns you down for something, don’t take it personally! She’s just taught you something about what she likes and doesn’t like. Pay attention to these signals, because this is how you’ll progress from lousy lover to great lover!

To keep things safe and comfy for both of you, you should only do things you’re comfortable and happy doing… and see where it leads!

For example, she might invite you to kiss her neck. Then you invite her to run her fingers slowly up your spine. This is sexy, it’s fun, and it’s relaxing. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes not — just go with it, be respectful, and enjoy!

This game can also be a great way to relax together and establish your boundaries. It doesn’t have to lead to full-on sex, or even to anything particularly heavy — it can be just as much fun with your clothes on.

5. Get skills. Yes, having sex is an instinct — but have you ever watched the Discovery Channel? Well, those animals are having sex by instinct — and generally, it ain’t pretty.

If you want to be a good lover and have sex that’s safe, comfortable, and totally hot for both of you, there are two ways to do it.

The first way is to jump in, try doing it, and have awkward, weird sex until you figure out how to do it right. That’s how most people do it, and it’s really a shame.

The second way is to get some skills! The more you know about how to touch your lover’s body and handle different sexual situations, the more fun it’s going to be for both of you. (Shameless plug: My Guide to Losing Your Virginity is a good place to start — it’s an instruction manual that takes the guesswork out of having sex. you can pick up a copy on my site and try it risk-free.)

In the end, why lie and hide the fact that it’s your first time? Instead of trying to fool her, try to wow her — by being the best lover you can be. If you can do that, everything else will fall into place.

My guy and I are going camping this weekend, so I figured I’d share a little personal tidbit with you: I love having sex in the great outdoors.

How perfect is this… a quiet little campsite at the lakeshore, the dying embers of a crackling fire outside the tent, and my guy and me watching the last light of the sunset fade away as the stars start to come out and twinkle.

It’s easy to have great sex when you’re so relaxed and away from all the cares of life.

What’s your favorite place to have sex? Or… where would you LIKE to have it?

Hope you all have a weekend that’s as good as mine will be!

Sourav wrote in recently with the following question:

When first time I have sex with my wife there is no bleeding. Does it mean that her hymen is break by someone else?

But after 10 days when i again have sex with her she gets bleeding and it continuous goes on for 4-5 days. Is it the period for her? Please help.

Sourav, if your wife didn’t bleed the first time you had sex with her, that DOES NOT mean that her hymen was torn by someone else.

The hymen is a soft piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening of girls who have not had sexual intercourse. It can be torn by many non-sexual events such as using a tampon, riding a bike or horse, and so on. This means that your wife’s hymen may have been torn months or even years earlier.

Another possibility is that you were able to have sex without actually tearing her hymen. The hymen DOES NOT completely cover the vaginal opening like a cap — it simply makes the opening smaller. The bleeding is caused when pressure from the penis tears the opening a little bit wider. However, for many women, there is little or no bleeding after their first time. Their hymen is able to stretch wide enough to accommodate the penis without tearing, at least at first. Some women’s hymens may not tear until they have had sex a number of times.

Interestingly, most people are under the mistaken impression that the hymen is located inside the vagina. It’s not! The hymen is the pinkish ring of delicate tissue surrounding this little opening. When this tissue gets torn, the opening gets expanded to the point where a penis can fit into the vagina.

A hymen isn’t simply “intact” or “broken” – it can be partially broken too. For most women, this means that their hymens will actually tear on multiple occasions!

Sourav, your wife’s hymen may have torn in a non-sexual event earlier. It may have stretched, then torn the next time you have sex. Or it may have torn just a little each time — although tearing usually causes bleeding, sometimes it doesn’t.

Of course, I don’t know your wife, and it’s also possible she has had other sex partners before you. But it sounds like you have just been married recently — and if she tells you that you’re her first, don’t be stupid enough to think a torn hymen means she’s had sex with someone else! That’s just one of many possible explanations.

You should ask your wife if the bleeding was part of her period — if it was, she’ll know. It happens at roughly the same time each month, so it’s pretty easy to know if that was the cause. If it WASN’T part of her period, she should see a doctor — that’s an unusually long time to be bleeding from a torn hymen.

Ask her if the sex was painful — if it was, get her to visit a doctor. And then spend some time learning how to be a skilled, gentle lover so the sex will feel great for her! There are books out there that can help. (Shameless plug: my how-to guide teaches you everything you need to know to have great sex that you’ll both enjoy!)

Finally, if virginity is a really important thing to you, it might help you to know that there are a few different definitions of virginity out there.

• The traditional version says that a woman with an intact hymen is a virgin. Personally, I find that definition kind of ridiculous. My own hymen tore quite accidentally in a non-sexual situation when I was young, and I still thought of myself as a virgin!
• A more contemporary definition of virginity says that a person loses their virginity when they decide to have consensual sex for the first time. This is the version I prefer, and I’m sticking with it. According to this version, if you’re the first person your wife decided to have sex with, then she was a virgin, no matter what happened with her hymen or bleeding or anything else.

In the end, Sourav, please don’t jump to any conclusions about your wife. The important thing is that you love and trust one another, so don’t get fixated on virginity and hymens!

Communicate and learn to enjoy sex together. Remember that bodies are wonderful and complex, and you both have a lot to learn about how to please one another. Keep talking, laugh a little, and have fun!

Natalie wrote in recently with the following question:

She is confused now whether it was the virginity which broke or its a part of her period because she has not started to bleed at the time the penetration occurred, plus the whole penis had not entered. And she wants to know how much blood actually goes out. Because she bled just a little.

Natalie, thanks very much for writing in to help your friend — she’s lucky to have a friend like you!

To be honest, it’s difficult or impossible to know whether the type of bleeding you describe is caused by her period or by her hymen tearing a little. (A hymen can tear partially even if the penis doesn’t penetrate at all.) But the good news is that it’s not really important which of these two factors is causing the bleeding. To continue answering this question, here’s an excerpt from my book, The Guide to Losing Your Virginity.

The hymen

As you learned earlier in this guide, the hymen is a soft piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening of most girls who have not had sexual intercourse.

Interestingly, most people are under the mistaken impression that the hymen is located inside the vagina. Maybe that’s because it gets called a cherry – so people assume it’s some cherry-like object hiding in there.

It’s not! A hymen is easy to spot if you know what to look for. Essentially, a woman with an intact hymen is likely to have an extremely small vaginal opening – too small to fit a couple of fingers into. The hymen is the pinkish ring of delicate tissue surrounding this little opening. When this tissue gets torn, the opening gets expanded to the point where a penis can fit into the vagina.

Almost every girl is born with a hymen. Some girls are born with no hymen at all, while others are born with what is called an “imperforate” hymen, meaning that it actually doesn’t have any opening at all. (Girls born with this rare condition must have their hymen surgically “perforated” after birth to avoid complications later.)

A hymen isn’t simply “intact” or “broken” – it can be partially broken too. For most women, this means that your hymen will actually tear on multiple occasions! So for example, your hymen might tear a little when you go horseback riding as a girl. Then a few years later, when you’re experimenting with inserting a finger or two into your vaginal opening, you might tear it a little more. And the first time you have sex, it might tear some more.

It is normal for some women to bleed while having sex for the first time, or for a little bit afterward. This is caused by the hymen stretching until it tears.

This blood will be bright red in color at first, and will turn to a darker red as it slows down. It should stop soon after you stop having sex. It may happen a few more times over the next few days, especially when you’re active, but within a few days, there should be no more episodes of bleeding.

You should see a health care provider for a check-up if:

• There is significant bleeding. If it’s heavier than the bleeding you experience during the first few days of your period (for example, if it soaks through a tampon and a pad after you’ve finished having sex), you’re experiencing more bleeding than is usual for losing your virginity.
• Bleeding lasts for more than a few days.
• There is pain that does not go away. It’s normal for it to sting a bit during your first time, and you may feel sore, tender, and “stretched” afterward. If there is considerable pain for any length of time after sex, you should look into it.
• You’re worried about something. If anything seems unusual and worries you, why not go see your health care provider? They can really put your mind at ease.

In order to heal after your first time, it’s important not to have any vaginal penetration (no penises, fingers, tampons, etc.) until after the bleeding has completely stopped. If bleeding returns after you start having sex again, then go to a health care provider for a check-up.

Natalie, the blood your friend is mentioning could be caused either by her period or by a small tear in her hymen. As long as it stopped appearing within a few days, everything should be fine, though if she has any concerns, she shouldn’t hesitate to get a check-up with her family doctor.

Finally, if your friend and her boyfriend continue finding it difficult to make full penetration happen, please do let her know that they should NEVER try to force it, as this can lead to injuries and an all-around difficult time for everyone. With a little knowledge and the right kind of foreplay, she should be able to easily take him in with a minimum of discomfort so the sex feels great right from the start.

My book covers all the basics anyone needs to have great sex, from knowing you’re ready to getting comfortable together to having foreplay and sex that’s comfortable, safe, and intimate. And I guarantee it will make your first time great — if it doesn’t for any reason, just email me and I’ll refund you right away, no questions asked. No time limit. So why not get a copy risk-free today?

Remember: sex is about sharing pleasure. If it doesn’t feel good, stop — and if it DOES feel good, well, keep it up!

Jeanette wrote in recently with three questions I get asked a lot, so here’s a triple shot for all of you where I’ll answer all three questions!

Here’s the first part of Jeanette’s email:

Hi Samantha,

I am in my teen years. I met this guy about 8-9 months ago. Well, I fell in love.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot because I’m still a virgin and I want to lose my virginity to him but at the same time I’ve never regret anything in my life and I want to keep it that way.

1. Is the missionary position really the best way to lose your virginity?

Jeanette, for almost everyone out there, missionary or girl on top are the two most comfortable positions for your first time. The thing is to know yourself and know which position you would feel the most relaxed in.

With girl on top you have more control –  you’re in charge of when he enters you, how quickly or slowly he moves in and out of you, and so on. Some guys will instinctively start thrusting away, though, so make sure to let him know you’ll do the moving until you’re used to the sensations and you’re ready to let him start playing along.

The missionary position may be for you if you’re worried that you’ll find it hard to relax. (In girl on top, your muscles are engaged in keeping you sitting up and straddling. The key here is to have a partner you trust to be gentle and considerate, and not just try to “stick it in.”

Of course, both the positions I’ve described should only come AFTER you’ve done all the basic preparation. You’ve addressed any issues with your emotional health and safety; you’ve learned how to prevent sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy; you’ve both learned how to get your partner aroused and comfortable so the sex will be great and not awkward or painful.

2. Me & my boyfriend have been on and off for the past 8 months. I love him and I know he loves me but he has cheated on me. Since that happened I dont have as much trust in him, but at the same time he’s been the sweetest guy in the entire world. If I lost it to him do you think I would regret it?

In the end, you’re the one who probably knows the answer to this, deep down in your heart. I don’t know you and I don’t know your boyfriend — but I do know that he has cheated on you.

You mention that he’s sweet, but I’d say this doesn’t make up for his past infidelity. Did you find out about his cheating and confront him about it, or did he confess independently? If he confessed to you, that might indicate that he understands his mistake, and is capable of acting trustworthy in the future. If he didn’t confess and you had to confront him about it, well, I’d say there’s no evidence you can trust him now. Trust can be rebuilt after it has been broken, but that doesn’t happen overnight.

Trust is absolutely the most important thing in a sexual relationship. Sex can hurt you emotionally AND physically; it can give you a disease or result in an unwanted pregnancy. And bad sex can make you miserable. A lot of adults are in therapy for bad sex they had when they were young. But good, safe (use a condom!) sex is wonderful!

You need to be able to trust that your partner will honor and respect you and your body. When he cheated on you, he could have caught herpes just by making out. If he had unprotected sex, he could have caught any of a number of serious STIs that you might now be exposed to.

In the end, it’s your call, but I only recommend having sex with someone you KNOW you can trust. If you are having trust issues, you may find it hard to relax and enjoy sex. Your body will react to what is going on in your head.

Good luck with this decision — it’s an extremely difficult one. If you feel like you need more advice on this, my book does cover the topic in much more detail.

3. If I’m scared does that mean I’m not ready?

It could - or it could mean that he is not the right person for you to be losing it with. Sometimes fear is a natural reaction to a new situation, and at other times, it’s our mind’s way of telling us that we’re making a decision we don’t actually believe is the right one.

I have included an “Am I ready” checklist in my book which I think you find really helpful. Losing your virginity and embarking on a sexual journey will open up a new stage in your life. You are smart to be asking these questions and giving it the care and consideration it deserves.

Doing things for the right reasons is how you have managed to avoid regret this far in your life. Now you just have to figure out what the right reasons are for losing your virginity. I wish you all the best.

For the rest of you reading this, if you’ve got the same questions and more, my book is a safe, fun guide to everything you need to know to have great sex for the first time — check it out!

To great first times,

Samantha

Wes wrote in recently with this question:

Samantha — I’m not just a virgin, I’ve also never had a girlfriend and never been kissed. I don’t understand what’s wrong. I’m 19 and just finished my first year of college, and I’m more popular than I ever tought was possible for a freshman at an Ivy League school — I have friends, including plenty of female ones, in practically every social circle, the most influential upperclassmen and professors know me, my writing is going to be nationally published this fall in the Weekly Standard and New Republic (I’m embedding in Iraq and writing about it), I’m at the top of my ROTC battalion, and even if I’m no model I’m plenty good looking.

People are fascinated by me — but I’ve never known a girl to have a crush on me and I’d have no idea what to do if one did.

I feel like a fraud — professors, students, senators, and soldiers alike treat me as a respected equal, but I’m not at all, I’m just a kid carrying around this huge, sad secret that I don’t even know what a girl feels like.

I don’t know what to do…if I just keep doing what I’m doing, I can see that I’ll keep moving up in the world, but I’m terrified that all that will come without my finding a girlfriend. I can’t turn 20 like this…the only friends who know my secret tell me to just get drunk and hook up like everyone else at Princeton, but that just seems wrong, and besides, I want to really enjoy my first kiss — I can’t be drunk.

What is wrong? I’m smart, I’m confident, I’m never unkind to anybody (unless they’re a complete jackass), my female friends tell me that I’m just perfect the way I am…but clearly I’m not — I’m 19 and have never been kissed. Help!

Wes, you sound like a great guy, and from your description, you sound like the kind of guy lots of girls lust after. You’re well-connected socially, you’re at a prestigious school, you’re going to be published, and you probably look pretty hot in your uniform.

First of all, don’t stop doing what you’re doing with your life. You sound like you have a lot of dedication and passion, and a lot of interests — and in the end, that’s one of the most important features that will make you a great lover and a great life partner for the right girl. And I’m glad you don’t want to just get drunk and hook up. Sure, it’s what a lot of people do, but your first times for everything (first kiss, first time making love, first love) can be so much more meaningful if you treat them like something special.

I find it really interesting that you say, “I’ve never known a girl to have a crush on me,” then follow that with “and I’d have no idea what to do if one did.” I’m willing to bet that more than one girl HAS had a crush on you — but frankly, Wes, you’ve dropped the ball before she had a chance to get closer to you. Don’t feel bad about it; you’re not stupid and there’s nothing wrong with you. You simply don’t know what to do with that initial spark of attraction. If you fan it, it will grow into a flame. And if you leave it alone, it will go out.

It sounds like you believe love and sex are things that are going to “happen to you.” Like winning the lottery, or getting hit by a car — an event that you don’t control or influence, that simply comes along and, well, happens. Most of us start out believing that attraction and sex are like that. But they’re not.

Desire and love aren’t like a Cupid’s arrow that gets shot from one person to another. They’re a connection that forms by passing back and forth between two people. At first, that connection can be incredibly delicate — it’s eye contact, or a sidelong glance that lingers a second too long. Glance back at her, and you give that connection a chance to grow. If you start sweating and look away and pretend you didn’t see her, well, that’s it for the connection.

Wes, I’m sorry to say that if you simply continue to wait for it, it’s unlikely that any girl is ever going to kiss you, no matter how many impressive achievements you rack up. What has to change? Well, you need to find a girl YOU want to kiss, then let her know that that’s what you want. Not by marching up and saying “I want to kiss you,” but by checking her out in a subtle and non-threatening way. If she doesn’t look interested, don’t pursue it. If she does, take the next little step. Make some conversation. If your conversation goes well, ask her if she’d like to do it again over coffee or something.

I get the feeling from your letter that you feel like a girlfriend is an achievement you’re “supposed” to have achieved by now. While it’s true that a lot of people your age have experimented with sex and may have even fallen in love a few times, the fact that you’re single certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re busy with other things! Don’t go looking for a girlfriend because you’re supposed to. If you feel like you have love to give, and you’d like to receive a little love from a girl you fancy, then it’s time to get out there and make it happen.

Remember, Wes, it’s not all about you. You may think you’re fascinating, but that’s beside the point. (And makes me worry that you might come off a bit arrogant — make sure you never tell a girl that “people find me fascinating” or she’ll think you’re a dick.) To get affection, you need to give it out — real affection, not just a false display. If you want to be loved, you need to learn how to love others and show them that you feel that way. You need to be ready to take the risk of loving someone without them returning the favor. Once you can do that, you’ll be ready.

I just read a story by Kate McGovern published in the New York Times called My Virginity Went from Choice to Burden. Among other things, she talks about the embarrassment of being 25 years old and having to admit to a nurse that there is no possibility she is pregnant:

I definitely was not pregnant. Pregnancy, in fact, was a scientific impossibility for me. Not because I’d had a slow month or two (though this was what I implied to Sabrina, with a carefully calculated roll of the eyes) but because at age 25, quite by accident, I was still a virgin.

For a lot of us, virginity is something you want to keep until you’re ready to give it away as a sort of special gift. For others, it’s a burden that just gets heavier with every year that goes by.

What’s virginity to you? Choice or burden?

I receive dozens of questions from virgins everywhere and instead of just answering them all personally (which I do), I decided to share some of them with you.

Maybe you’ve got the same question but are afraid to ask or maybe you just like reading sex advice. Either way, here are a couple of questions readers have sent in:

I am ready to have sex for the first time, but I don’t think my boyfriend is ready to take my virginity. What should I do?

Both people have to be ready to have sex. If things were reversed and it was your boyfriend who was ready but you weren’t, then I’d say you should wait. And that’s what I think you should do in this case as well. Wait until your boyfriend is ready and don’t pressure him to become ready…he’ll get there on his own.

Choosing when to have sex for the first time is a very personal decision and it takes a different amount of time for everyone. There are a lot of other fun things you can do together in the mean time. Besides all the physical stuff, make sure you and your boyfriend are comfortable talking to each other about sex. A little communication goes a long way! Good luck!

If there are other girls out there who have experienced this, please write in and tell us what happened!

What should i do the period of time before losing my virginity…like shower minutes before or where perfume and stuff?

Well that’s an interesting question. There are lots of things you should do to prepare for losing your virginity much further in advance than minutes before (like getting condoms, or even grooming yourself “down there”).

It’s not necessary to shower minutes before or load up on the perfume (too much perfume can be a little gross actually). As long as you have showered that morning and put on deodorant, brushed your teeth, etc. then you should be good to go (as far as smells are concerned).

There is an entire chapter in The Guide to Losing Your Virginity dedicated to getting ready physically.

So keep those questions coming virgins. There are no stupid questions! Asking them shows you care about yourself and your (potential) partner - and that’s the way it should be!