First Time Secrets

That’s the good news, according to researchers from the University of Virginia.

A story in News.com.au yesterday reported that “students who lost their virginity earlier were no more likely to shoplift, graffiti objects or engage in drug-related behaviour than their counterparts.”

So there. Sex doesn’t make you a bad person, no matter how early you have it.

Still, the findings weren’t all in favor of having sex when you’re young:

Early age at first sex has been linked to earlier leaving of the parental home, lower educational attainment, experiencing a pregnancy termination… and receiving medical treatment to facilitate pregnancy; greater psychological distress among college women; and experimentation with cocaine and other substances.

Also, (research has) found that physical involvement with a boyfriend among seventh- and eighth-grade girls predicted disordered eating.

In English, that means teens who start having sex at a young age (and the story doesn’t ever define what they mean by “young”) are more likely to…

• Leave home early,
• Fail classes or drop out,
• Get an abortion or have a miscarriage,
• Need medical help with pregnancy,
• Feel stressed out when they get into college,
• Experiment with drugs, and
• Develop some kind of eating disorder.

That’s a long and nasty list of negative things. Of course, these sorts of studies don’t actually indicate that early sex CAUSES any of those negative conditions… it just means that if you’re a person who does one, you’re statistically more likely to do the other.

Why does having sex early tend to match up with these negative life factors? Maybe it has something to do with taking risks. Sex is one of the biggest risks you can take — and if you’re the kind of person who takes that risk, maybe you’re more likely to make other risky decisions as well.

One thing is for sure: sex DOES complicate things. If your life is simple now and you like it that way, you should probably wait a while and enjoy the simple life while it lasts.

I read an interesting article in the New York Times today about researchers studying people who have sex with a friend — the kind of relationship known as “friends with benefits.”

The researchers surveyed 125 young men and women and found that 60 of them had had at least one “friends with benefits” type of relationship. Here’s what they found, according to Dr. Timothy Levine, one of the researchers:

“People got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first. But also that there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.”

When you’re thinking about having sex for the first time, one of the options you may have is to do it with a friend. This can have a lot of positive aspects if handled right. Being with someone you already trust and care for can make the experience a lot safer and more comfortable for both of you.

But a “friends with benefits” situation also has a lot of downsides. Even if you like to think you’re not an emotional person, sex is an extremely emotional experience — especially your first time. So if you’re considering losing your virginity with a friend, be prepared to face some emotional hurdles together that you didn’t anticipate.

Probably the biggest of those hurdles is the danger that these researchers brought up: one of you may find yourself more attracted than the other. Falling in love is risky and difficult enough, but when it happens between two people who have “agreed” to stay friends, it can cause a lot of problems, or even end the relationship.

Friends who could once talk about anything now have an unstated taboo topic — the relationship itself. In every conversation, there is innuendo; in every room, an elephant.

If you’re both honest and mature, you just might find that a “friends with benefits” situation is for you. Just be careful. It’s easy to get hurt, or to unintentionally hurt someone you care about. And that’s never worth it.

A newly married reader wrote in recently with this question:

I am 22, married about 5 months now, and I have never had sex before with my husband. We had decided to make it special after our wedding.

The problem is, when my husband wanted to try having sex, he was scared to hurt me and he got confused and couldn’t do anything. He is not ill, he is fine, but once he thinks I am going to be hurt, he gets scared. So I don’t even ask him to try any more because I don’t like to see that look on his face like he feels I need help.

Please, is there any other way to not be a virgin without needing my husband, at least for the first time? Then would it be easier for him? Please help.

Thanks for your question! It takes a lot of courage to ask such a personal question

First, congratulations on your new marriage! I hope you and your husband will enjoy many happy years together.

After reading your letter, it sounds to me like you both have a lot to learn about sex! It’s okay to be scared — when you don’t know how to approach it, sex can seem overwhelming and frightening. However, to make sex enjoyable, all you need is some information!

To answer your question — YES! There are lots of techniques you can use to become comfortable with your body so you’re prepared to enjoy sex BEFORE you have it for the first time. As a woman, I know how frightening it can be when you don’t know if it’s going to hurt. And I know how intimidating that fear can be for your husband as well.

However, you learn a lot about how to please yourself AND your husband, all while still remaining a virgin. Learning to enjoy sexual pleasure is a long and wonderful journey, and you and your husband can take that journey together. Done right, there’s no need for you to worry about pain — you can make it sweet, gentle, and beautiful for both of you.

I recommend that you buy a copy of my guide and read it together as a couple. By learning and communicating together about sex, you’ll both feel more confident and ready to enjoy sex later. I’ll tell you how to prepare your own bodies — and explore each other’s bodies so you’re comfortable and happy to get in bed and start having fun.

You can pick up a trial copy of my book to use for a full 30 days for just 99 cents. If you decide to keep it at the end of the 30 days, it’s a total cost of just $27 — but you can return it anytime within 30 days and not pay another cent. To order, visit www.firstimesecrets.com/order.html.

I guarantee it will get your love life off to a great start.

A reader named Carl wrote in recently with the following question:

It is going to be my first time soon. I am getting married and my religioius beliefs have keep me virtuous up to now. However, my Fiance who didn’t always have the same values has had sex with more than one person.

Though it has been some time since her last and We are bothvery excited about our new life, I wish to satify her and give her a pleasant surprise.

So I know she IS the one — trust me, i have thought long and hard. I have no doubt I will please her as i know her very well. But with my lack of experience I have a lot to learn and would like the confidence to make her feel extra ordinary! She is my world…

So if you have any advice for my case please let me know. It seems that the sessions are aimed at a younger audience and being a mature adult I know what I am about to do.

Carl, congratulations on your upcoming wedding night! Of course you must both be very excited. Your future wife is very lucky to have a man so interested in pleasing her!

From reading the rest of your letter, I can see that you’re familiar with much of what I teach in my First Time Secrets guide to losing your virginity. So here are a few things you might want to try that should give her a pleasant surprise on your wedding night and beyond:

Give her a sensual massage. Women love to come home and find candles lit, maybe some flowers or music (anything you think of as romantic) and to enjoy a non-sexual massage. If you have some nice massage oil and rub her back, her legs, etc. with it, she will feel so good that pretty soon it will probably turn into a front massage (wait for her to roll over and initiate this).

A nice sensual massage is something that women get REALLY surprised by and will always remember and they will tell their friends what a wonderful, thoughtful husband they have. And they will want to surprise you with lingerie or other fun things!

Don’t ever go straight for her breasts or vagina. You don’t sound like that kind of guy anyways — but make sure that you enjoy the foreplay. Kiss each other, caress each other, don’t be in a hurry for the “main event”.

Linger on removing her clothing. This is very sexy as well. Kiss her neck, her collarbone, maybe her earlobe, whatever seems to turn her on, before you even start removing her clothes. This drives us crazy!

Before sex, give her good oral pleasure. There really is nothing better to get a woman turned on, lubricated and very ready for intercourse. If you are unsure what to do, it’s kind of like kissing.

You’ll want to vary the places on her actual vagina that you lick. Don’t stick to the same spot for too long because otherwise it starts to feel tickly or numb. Try “writing” the letters of the alphabet with your tongue — I once had a guy do this while humming “A, B, C” and it drove me crazy with pleasure! (With occasional breaks for giggling.)

Make sure you lick her clitoris (THE most sensitive spot on a woman’s vagina) but be gentle and tell her to ask you if she would like more pressure. Most guys make the mistake of thinking they have to apply lots of pressure — start out gentle!

Try to “flatten” your tongue and not have it be really pointy, a flatter tongue feels less probing and more erotic.

If you make subtle noises that let her indicate you are enjoying what you are doing to her, you like the smell and taste of her, it is even better. Some men love the smell and taste of a woman’s vagina, other men acquire a taste for it, and a few never do. Most men learn to  to enjoy it because SHE will enjoy this more than anything (even if she can’t admit it!).

This is the single most important sexual skill you can ever learn. I have heard from a number of women (especially the ones with children) that even if they felt too tired to have sex, if their lover “went down on them” they were suddenly more than awake and ready for sex!

A few women also don’t like getting oral sex, but this usually is not because they don’t enjoy the physical act, it’s because they feel they “smell bad” or are embarrassed. Once you yourself have experienced the feel of your wife’s mouth on your penis, you will understand how wonderful oral pleasure is (for both people).

If she is uncomfortable, don’t pressure her, but let her know that you would love to express your affection for her in this wonderful and pleasurable way.

I wish you the best of luck. Please write me again if you have any other questions — and especially to tell me how your first time goes!

I am very excited for you and wish you a long and happy sexual journey with your wife!

I do some shopping on Amazon from time to time, and today I found a list of awesome teen books about losing your virginity. Well, the list author says they’re “awesome” — the only one I’ve read is Judy Blume’s Forever, and that IS a really good read.

Sometimes there’s nothing like a little reading to dispel your fears. And if you’re not sure whether you’re ready yourself… why not read about someone else losing it? There’s no risk when you read other people’s stories of lost virginity, and hey, it passes the time. And maybe you’ll learn something.

No matter how confident a person you may be, having sex for the first time is a scary prospect for pretty much anyone. It’s like climbing into a car for the first time and being told to just start driving — a lot of things could go wrong, but you don’t really understand what they are until you start going.

There are a lot of things to worry about on your first time. You want to choose the right person. You’re nervous about taking the risk of actually suggesting that you HAVE sex. (How embarrassing will it be if the other person doesn’t want to?)

And then there’s the risk that, well, you’ll be lousy in bed.

I received an email recently asking the following question that really tugged at my heartstrings:

Dear Samantha,

Do you have any sex tips that will hide my virginity? I don’t want her to know it’s my first time.

Thanks,
John

I think John’s question is one that a lot of people have before their first time. Nobody wants to look like a beginner — fumbling around with zippers, saying the wrong thing, touching your lover the wrong way, making the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable.

No way! You want to be smooth and confident. You want to hit that perfect mix where you’re kind of taking charge, but kind of just letting the whole experience happen. Zen sex, you might call it.

So without further ado, here are my top five sex tips for someone who wants to hide their virginity:

1. Talk. If you can communicate with someone, you can have good sex with them. If you can’t, forget it — the sex just isn’t going to be good.

For good sex, you’ll need to be able to tell the other person how you’re feeling, what you want, what you don’t want. Imagine if you couldn’t!

Sadly, this is often the case — we’re afraid to talk, so we suffer through sex that just doesn’t feel good. My advice? Do whatever you have to do so you feel comfortable with the other person first. I don’t want to sound old-fashioned here, but dating is a pretty good place to start.

Often we’re so wrapped up in our own thoughts that we forget to think about the other person. Don’t make that mistake — it will make you a bad lover, trust me. Think about them and their needs — and maybe they’ll do the same for you.

2. Consider telling the truth. If you want to hide your virginity, you’re starting your sex life based on a lie. Lies tend to kill intimacy and make things difficult.

How bad would it be if she knew the truth about you? Or to put it another way… how would you feel if you found out later that it was HER first time and she lied to you about it?

People like it when you have the courage to tell them the truth, even if you’re embarrassed about it. Sharing something like this about yourself can bring you closer together — and that’s what you’re looking for, right?

3. Ask questions. One of the biggest mistakes a lot of people make early in their sex lives is to assume that being a good lover is all about THEM. Here’s a tip: good lovers don’t put on a big show — they pay a lot of attention to THEIR lovers.

If you’re worried about looking like a beginner, the worst thing you can do is to try strutting into the bedroom and putting on a big show of how confident you are. Trust me: try that and you’ll look like a fool.

Instead, be a considerate lover. Try asking a few questions. Here are a few to get you started:

• Are you comfortable?
• Is there anything you want to talk about before we do this?
• Are you nervous about anything?
• Can you show me how you want to be touched?

4. Take turns. This is a great game to play, whether you’re experienced or not. Suggest to your lover that you take turns inviting each other to try something sexual — she goes first.

Both of you have the right to refuse any invitation at any time. If she turns you down for something, don’t take it personally! She’s just taught you something about what she likes and doesn’t like. Pay attention to these signals, because this is how you’ll progress from lousy lover to great lover!

To keep things safe and comfy for both of you, you should only do things you’re comfortable and happy doing… and see where it leads!

For example, she might invite you to kiss her neck. Then you invite her to run her fingers slowly up your spine. This is sexy, it’s fun, and it’s relaxing. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes not — just go with it, be respectful, and enjoy!

This game can also be a great way to relax together and establish your boundaries. It doesn’t have to lead to full-on sex, or even to anything particularly heavy — it can be just as much fun with your clothes on.

5. Get skills. Yes, having sex is an instinct — but have you ever watched the Discovery Channel? Well, those animals are having sex by instinct — and generally, it ain’t pretty.

If you want to be a good lover and have sex that’s safe, comfortable, and totally hot for both of you, there are two ways to do it.

The first way is to jump in, try doing it, and have awkward, weird sex until you figure out how to do it right. That’s how most people do it, and it’s really a shame.

The second way is to get some skills! The more you know about how to touch your lover’s body and handle different sexual situations, the more fun it’s going to be for both of you. (Shameless plug: My Guide to Losing Your Virginity is a good place to start — it’s an instruction manual that takes the guesswork out of having sex. you can pick up a copy on my site and try it risk-free.)

In the end, why lie and hide the fact that it’s your first time? Instead of trying to fool her, try to wow her — by being the best lover you can be. If you can do that, everything else will fall into place.

My guy and I are going camping this weekend, so I figured I’d share a little personal tidbit with you: I love having sex in the great outdoors.

How perfect is this… a quiet little campsite at the lakeshore, the dying embers of a crackling fire outside the tent, and my guy and me watching the last light of the sunset fade away as the stars start to come out and twinkle.

It’s easy to have great sex when you’re so relaxed and away from all the cares of life.

What’s your favorite place to have sex? Or… where would you LIKE to have it?

Hope you all have a weekend that’s as good as mine will be!

Sourav wrote in recently with the following question:

When first time I have sex with my wife there is no bleeding. Does it mean that her hymen is break by someone else?

But after 10 days when i again have sex with her she gets bleeding and it continuous goes on for 4-5 days. Is it the period for her? Please help.

Sourav, if your wife didn’t bleed the first time you had sex with her, that DOES NOT mean that her hymen was torn by someone else.

The hymen is a soft piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening of girls who have not had sexual intercourse. It can be torn by many non-sexual events such as using a tampon, riding a bike or horse, and so on. This means that your wife’s hymen may have been torn months or even years earlier.

Another possibility is that you were able to have sex without actually tearing her hymen. The hymen DOES NOT completely cover the vaginal opening like a cap — it simply makes the opening smaller. The bleeding is caused when pressure from the penis tears the opening a little bit wider. However, for many women, there is little or no bleeding after their first time. Their hymen is able to stretch wide enough to accommodate the penis without tearing, at least at first. Some women’s hymens may not tear until they have had sex a number of times.

Interestingly, most people are under the mistaken impression that the hymen is located inside the vagina. It’s not! The hymen is the pinkish ring of delicate tissue surrounding this little opening. When this tissue gets torn, the opening gets expanded to the point where a penis can fit into the vagina.

A hymen isn’t simply “intact” or “broken” – it can be partially broken too. For most women, this means that their hymens will actually tear on multiple occasions!

Sourav, your wife’s hymen may have torn in a non-sexual event earlier. It may have stretched, then torn the next time you have sex. Or it may have torn just a little each time — although tearing usually causes bleeding, sometimes it doesn’t.

Of course, I don’t know your wife, and it’s also possible she has had other sex partners before you. But it sounds like you have just been married recently — and if she tells you that you’re her first, don’t be stupid enough to think a torn hymen means she’s had sex with someone else! That’s just one of many possible explanations.

You should ask your wife if the bleeding was part of her period — if it was, she’ll know. It happens at roughly the same time each month, so it’s pretty easy to know if that was the cause. If it WASN’T part of her period, she should see a doctor — that’s an unusually long time to be bleeding from a torn hymen.

Ask her if the sex was painful — if it was, get her to visit a doctor. And then spend some time learning how to be a skilled, gentle lover so the sex will feel great for her! There are books out there that can help. (Shameless plug: my how-to guide teaches you everything you need to know to have great sex that you’ll both enjoy!)

Finally, if virginity is a really important thing to you, it might help you to know that there are a few different definitions of virginity out there.

• The traditional version says that a woman with an intact hymen is a virgin. Personally, I find that definition kind of ridiculous. My own hymen tore quite accidentally in a non-sexual situation when I was young, and I still thought of myself as a virgin!
• A more contemporary definition of virginity says that a person loses their virginity when they decide to have consensual sex for the first time. This is the version I prefer, and I’m sticking with it. According to this version, if you’re the first person your wife decided to have sex with, then she was a virgin, no matter what happened with her hymen or bleeding or anything else.

In the end, Sourav, please don’t jump to any conclusions about your wife. The important thing is that you love and trust one another, so don’t get fixated on virginity and hymens!

Communicate and learn to enjoy sex together. Remember that bodies are wonderful and complex, and you both have a lot to learn about how to please one another. Keep talking, laugh a little, and have fun!

Natalie wrote in recently with the following question:

She is confused now whether it was the virginity which broke or its a part of her period because she has not started to bleed at the time the penetration occurred, plus the whole penis had not entered. And she wants to know how much blood actually goes out. Because she bled just a little.

Natalie, thanks very much for writing in to help your friend — she’s lucky to have a friend like you!

To be honest, it’s difficult or impossible to know whether the type of bleeding you describe is caused by her period or by her hymen tearing a little. (A hymen can tear partially even if the penis doesn’t penetrate at all.) But the good news is that it’s not really important which of these two factors is causing the bleeding. To continue answering this question, here’s an excerpt from my book, The Guide to Losing Your Virginity.

The hymen

As you learned earlier in this guide, the hymen is a soft piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening of most girls who have not had sexual intercourse.

Interestingly, most people are under the mistaken impression that the hymen is located inside the vagina. Maybe that’s because it gets called a cherry – so people assume it’s some cherry-like object hiding in there.

It’s not! A hymen is easy to spot if you know what to look for. Essentially, a woman with an intact hymen is likely to have an extremely small vaginal opening – too small to fit a couple of fingers into. The hymen is the pinkish ring of delicate tissue surrounding this little opening. When this tissue gets torn, the opening gets expanded to the point where a penis can fit into the vagina.

Almost every girl is born with a hymen. Some girls are born with no hymen at all, while others are born with what is called an “imperforate” hymen, meaning that it actually doesn’t have any opening at all. (Girls born with this rare condition must have their hymen surgically “perforated” after birth to avoid complications later.)

A hymen isn’t simply “intact” or “broken” – it can be partially broken too. For most women, this means that your hymen will actually tear on multiple occasions! So for example, your hymen might tear a little when you go horseback riding as a girl. Then a few years later, when you’re experimenting with inserting a finger or two into your vaginal opening, you might tear it a little more. And the first time you have sex, it might tear some more.

It is normal for some women to bleed while having sex for the first time, or for a little bit afterward. This is caused by the hymen stretching until it tears.

This blood will be bright red in color at first, and will turn to a darker red as it slows down. It should stop soon after you stop having sex. It may happen a few more times over the next few days, especially when you’re active, but within a few days, there should be no more episodes of bleeding.

You should see a health care provider for a check-up if:

• There is significant bleeding. If it’s heavier than the bleeding you experience during the first few days of your period (for example, if it soaks through a tampon and a pad after you’ve finished having sex), you’re experiencing more bleeding than is usual for losing your virginity.
• Bleeding lasts for more than a few days.
• There is pain that does not go away. It’s normal for it to sting a bit during your first time, and you may feel sore, tender, and “stretched” afterward. If there is considerable pain for any length of time after sex, you should look into it.
• You’re worried about something. If anything seems unusual and worries you, why not go see your health care provider? They can really put your mind at ease.

In order to heal after your first time, it’s important not to have any vaginal penetration (no penises, fingers, tampons, etc.) until after the bleeding has completely stopped. If bleeding returns after you start having sex again, then go to a health care provider for a check-up.

Natalie, the blood your friend is mentioning could be caused either by her period or by a small tear in her hymen. As long as it stopped appearing within a few days, everything should be fine, though if she has any concerns, she shouldn’t hesitate to get a check-up with her family doctor.

Finally, if your friend and her boyfriend continue finding it difficult to make full penetration happen, please do let her know that they should NEVER try to force it, as this can lead to injuries and an all-around difficult time for everyone. With a little knowledge and the right kind of foreplay, she should be able to easily take him in with a minimum of discomfort so the sex feels great right from the start.

My book covers all the basics anyone needs to have great sex, from knowing you’re ready to getting comfortable together to having foreplay and sex that’s comfortable, safe, and intimate. And I guarantee it will make your first time great — if it doesn’t for any reason, just email me and I’ll refund you right away, no questions asked. No time limit. So why not get a copy risk-free today?

Remember: sex is about sharing pleasure. If it doesn’t feel good, stop — and if it DOES feel good, well, keep it up!

Jeanette wrote in recently with three questions I get asked a lot, so here’s a triple shot for all of you where I’ll answer all three questions!

Here’s the first part of Jeanette’s email:

Hi Samantha,

I am in my teen years. I met this guy about 8-9 months ago. Well, I fell in love.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot because I’m still a virgin and I want to lose my virginity to him but at the same time I’ve never regret anything in my life and I want to keep it that way.

1. Is the missionary position really the best way to lose your virginity?

Jeanette, for almost everyone out there, missionary or girl on top are the two most comfortable positions for your first time. The thing is to know yourself and know which position you would feel the most relaxed in.

With girl on top you have more control –  you’re in charge of when he enters you, how quickly or slowly he moves in and out of you, and so on. Some guys will instinctively start thrusting away, though, so make sure to let him know you’ll do the moving until you’re used to the sensations and you’re ready to let him start playing along.

The missionary position may be for you if you’re worried that you’ll find it hard to relax. (In girl on top, your muscles are engaged in keeping you sitting up and straddling. The key here is to have a partner you trust to be gentle and considerate, and not just try to “stick it in.”

Of course, both the positions I’ve described should only come AFTER you’ve done all the basic preparation. You’ve addressed any issues with your emotional health and safety; you’ve learned how to prevent sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy; you’ve both learned how to get your partner aroused and comfortable so the sex will be great and not awkward or painful.

2. Me & my boyfriend have been on and off for the past 8 months. I love him and I know he loves me but he has cheated on me. Since that happened I dont have as much trust in him, but at the same time he’s been the sweetest guy in the entire world. If I lost it to him do you think I would regret it?

In the end, you’re the one who probably knows the answer to this, deep down in your heart. I don’t know you and I don’t know your boyfriend — but I do know that he has cheated on you.

You mention that he’s sweet, but I’d say this doesn’t make up for his past infidelity. Did you find out about his cheating and confront him about it, or did he confess independently? If he confessed to you, that might indicate that he understands his mistake, and is capable of acting trustworthy in the future. If he didn’t confess and you had to confront him about it, well, I’d say there’s no evidence you can trust him now. Trust can be rebuilt after it has been broken, but that doesn’t happen overnight.

Trust is absolutely the most important thing in a sexual relationship. Sex can hurt you emotionally AND physically; it can give you a disease or result in an unwanted pregnancy. And bad sex can make you miserable. A lot of adults are in therapy for bad sex they had when they were young. But good, safe (use a condom!) sex is wonderful!

You need to be able to trust that your partner will honor and respect you and your body. When he cheated on you, he could have caught herpes just by making out. If he had unprotected sex, he could have caught any of a number of serious STIs that you might now be exposed to.

In the end, it’s your call, but I only recommend having sex with someone you KNOW you can trust. If you are having trust issues, you may find it hard to relax and enjoy sex. Your body will react to what is going on in your head.

Good luck with this decision — it’s an extremely difficult one. If you feel like you need more advice on this, my book does cover the topic in much more detail.

3. If I’m scared does that mean I’m not ready?

It could - or it could mean that he is not the right person for you to be losing it with. Sometimes fear is a natural reaction to a new situation, and at other times, it’s our mind’s way of telling us that we’re making a decision we don’t actually believe is the right one.

I have included an “Am I ready” checklist in my book which I think you find really helpful. Losing your virginity and embarking on a sexual journey will open up a new stage in your life. You are smart to be asking these questions and giving it the care and consideration it deserves.

Doing things for the right reasons is how you have managed to avoid regret this far in your life. Now you just have to figure out what the right reasons are for losing your virginity. I wish you all the best.

For the rest of you reading this, if you’ve got the same questions and more, my book is a safe, fun guide to everything you need to know to have great sex for the first time — check it out!

To great first times,

Samantha