First Time Secrets

Sourav wrote in recently with the following question:

When first time I have sex with my wife there is no bleeding. Does it mean that her hymen is break by someone else?

But after 10 days when i again have sex with her she gets bleeding and it continuous goes on for 4-5 days. Is it the period for her? Please help.

Sourav, if your wife didn’t bleed the first time you had sex with her, that DOES NOT mean that her hymen was torn by someone else.

The hymen is a soft piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening of girls who have not had sexual intercourse. It can be torn by many non-sexual events such as using a tampon, riding a bike or horse, and so on. This means that your wife’s hymen may have been torn months or even years earlier.

Another possibility is that you were able to have sex without actually tearing her hymen. The hymen DOES NOT completely cover the vaginal opening like a cap — it simply makes the opening smaller. The bleeding is caused when pressure from the penis tears the opening a little bit wider. However, for many women, there is little or no bleeding after their first time. Their hymen is able to stretch wide enough to accommodate the penis without tearing, at least at first. Some women’s hymens may not tear until they have had sex a number of times.

Interestingly, most people are under the mistaken impression that the hymen is located inside the vagina. It’s not! The hymen is the pinkish ring of delicate tissue surrounding this little opening. When this tissue gets torn, the opening gets expanded to the point where a penis can fit into the vagina.

A hymen isn’t simply “intact” or “broken” – it can be partially broken too. For most women, this means that their hymens will actually tear on multiple occasions!

Sourav, your wife’s hymen may have torn in a non-sexual event earlier. It may have stretched, then torn the next time you have sex. Or it may have torn just a little each time — although tearing usually causes bleeding, sometimes it doesn’t.

Of course, I don’t know your wife, and it’s also possible she has had other sex partners before you. But it sounds like you have just been married recently — and if she tells you that you’re her first, don’t be stupid enough to think a torn hymen means she’s had sex with someone else! That’s just one of many possible explanations.

You should ask your wife if the bleeding was part of her period — if it was, she’ll know. It happens at roughly the same time each month, so it’s pretty easy to know if that was the cause. If it WASN’T part of her period, she should see a doctor — that’s an unusually long time to be bleeding from a torn hymen.

Ask her if the sex was painful — if it was, get her to visit a doctor. And then spend some time learning how to be a skilled, gentle lover so the sex will feel great for her! There are books out there that can help. (Shameless plug: my how-to guide teaches you everything you need to know to have great sex that you’ll both enjoy!)

Finally, if virginity is a really important thing to you, it might help you to know that there are a few different definitions of virginity out there.

• The traditional version says that a woman with an intact hymen is a virgin. Personally, I find that definition kind of ridiculous. My own hymen tore quite accidentally in a non-sexual situation when I was young, and I still thought of myself as a virgin!
• A more contemporary definition of virginity says that a person loses their virginity when they decide to have consensual sex for the first time. This is the version I prefer, and I’m sticking with it. According to this version, if you’re the first person your wife decided to have sex with, then she was a virgin, no matter what happened with her hymen or bleeding or anything else.

In the end, Sourav, please don’t jump to any conclusions about your wife. The important thing is that you love and trust one another, so don’t get fixated on virginity and hymens!

Communicate and learn to enjoy sex together. Remember that bodies are wonderful and complex, and you both have a lot to learn about how to please one another. Keep talking, laugh a little, and have fun!