First Time Secrets

I read an interesting article in the New York Times today about researchers studying people who have sex with a friend — the kind of relationship known as “friends with benefits.”

The researchers surveyed 125 young men and women and found that 60 of them had had at least one “friends with benefits” type of relationship. Here’s what they found, according to Dr. Timothy Levine, one of the researchers:

“People got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first. But also that there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.”

When you’re thinking about having sex for the first time, one of the options you may have is to do it with a friend. This can have a lot of positive aspects if handled right. Being with someone you already trust and care for can make the experience a lot safer and more comfortable for both of you.

But a “friends with benefits” situation also has a lot of downsides. Even if you like to think you’re not an emotional person, sex is an extremely emotional experience — especially your first time. So if you’re considering losing your virginity with a friend, be prepared to face some emotional hurdles together that you didn’t anticipate.

Probably the biggest of those hurdles is the danger that these researchers brought up: one of you may find yourself more attracted than the other. Falling in love is risky and difficult enough, but when it happens between two people who have “agreed” to stay friends, it can cause a lot of problems, or even end the relationship.

Friends who could once talk about anything now have an unstated taboo topic — the relationship itself. In every conversation, there is innuendo; in every room, an elephant.

If you’re both honest and mature, you just might find that a “friends with benefits” situation is for you. Just be careful. It’s easy to get hurt, or to unintentionally hurt someone you care about. And that’s never worth it.