First Time Secrets

Wes wrote in recently with this question:

Samantha — I’m not just a virgin, I’ve also never had a girlfriend and never been kissed. I don’t understand what’s wrong. I’m 19 and just finished my first year of college, and I’m more popular than I ever tought was possible for a freshman at an Ivy League school — I have friends, including plenty of female ones, in practically every social circle, the most influential upperclassmen and professors know me, my writing is going to be nationally published this fall in the Weekly Standard and New Republic (I’m embedding in Iraq and writing about it), I’m at the top of my ROTC battalion, and even if I’m no model I’m plenty good looking.

People are fascinated by me — but I’ve never known a girl to have a crush on me and I’d have no idea what to do if one did.

I feel like a fraud — professors, students, senators, and soldiers alike treat me as a respected equal, but I’m not at all, I’m just a kid carrying around this huge, sad secret that I don’t even know what a girl feels like.

I don’t know what to do…if I just keep doing what I’m doing, I can see that I’ll keep moving up in the world, but I’m terrified that all that will come without my finding a girlfriend. I can’t turn 20 like this…the only friends who know my secret tell me to just get drunk and hook up like everyone else at Princeton, but that just seems wrong, and besides, I want to really enjoy my first kiss — I can’t be drunk.

What is wrong? I’m smart, I’m confident, I’m never unkind to anybody (unless they’re a complete jackass), my female friends tell me that I’m just perfect the way I am…but clearly I’m not — I’m 19 and have never been kissed. Help!

Wes, you sound like a great guy, and from your description, you sound like the kind of guy lots of girls lust after. You’re well-connected socially, you’re at a prestigious school, you’re going to be published, and you probably look pretty hot in your uniform.

First of all, don’t stop doing what you’re doing with your life. You sound like you have a lot of dedication and passion, and a lot of interests — and in the end, that’s one of the most important features that will make you a great lover and a great life partner for the right girl. And I’m glad you don’t want to just get drunk and hook up. Sure, it’s what a lot of people do, but your first times for everything (first kiss, first time making love, first love) can be so much more meaningful if you treat them like something special.

I find it really interesting that you say, “I’ve never known a girl to have a crush on me,” then follow that with “and I’d have no idea what to do if one did.” I’m willing to bet that more than one girl HAS had a crush on you — but frankly, Wes, you’ve dropped the ball before she had a chance to get closer to you. Don’t feel bad about it; you’re not stupid and there’s nothing wrong with you. You simply don’t know what to do with that initial spark of attraction. If you fan it, it will grow into a flame. And if you leave it alone, it will go out.

It sounds like you believe love and sex are things that are going to “happen to you.” Like winning the lottery, or getting hit by a car — an event that you don’t control or influence, that simply comes along and, well, happens. Most of us start out believing that attraction and sex are like that. But they’re not.

Desire and love aren’t like a Cupid’s arrow that gets shot from one person to another. They’re a connection that forms by passing back and forth between two people. At first, that connection can be incredibly delicate — it’s eye contact, or a sidelong glance that lingers a second too long. Glance back at her, and you give that connection a chance to grow. If you start sweating and look away and pretend you didn’t see her, well, that’s it for the connection.

Wes, I’m sorry to say that if you simply continue to wait for it, it’s unlikely that any girl is ever going to kiss you, no matter how many impressive achievements you rack up. What has to change? Well, you need to find a girl YOU want to kiss, then let her know that that’s what you want. Not by marching up and saying “I want to kiss you,” but by checking her out in a subtle and non-threatening way. If she doesn’t look interested, don’t pursue it. If she does, take the next little step. Make some conversation. If your conversation goes well, ask her if she’d like to do it again over coffee or something.

I get the feeling from your letter that you feel like a girlfriend is an achievement you’re “supposed” to have achieved by now. While it’s true that a lot of people your age have experimented with sex and may have even fallen in love a few times, the fact that you’re single certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re busy with other things! Don’t go looking for a girlfriend because you’re supposed to. If you feel like you have love to give, and you’d like to receive a little love from a girl you fancy, then it’s time to get out there and make it happen.

Remember, Wes, it’s not all about you. You may think you’re fascinating, but that’s beside the point. (And makes me worry that you might come off a bit arrogant — make sure you never tell a girl that “people find me fascinating” or she’ll think you’re a dick.) To get affection, you need to give it out — real affection, not just a false display. If you want to be loved, you need to learn how to love others and show them that you feel that way. You need to be ready to take the risk of loving someone without them returning the favor. Once you can do that, you’ll be ready.