First Time Secrets

The number one question that I receive from virgins is, “will it hurt?”

Of course that a perfectly normal thing to worry about!

And it’s not just the girls who are asking this, guys ask me this too. Well the good news for the guys is, no, it doesn’t hurt when you lose your virginity.

But the answer for the girls isn’t so simple.

Girls are born with a hymen (rare cases do occur where some girls are born without one). The hymen is a thin membrane of skin that partially covers the vaginal opening. There are all sorts of activities that can cause the hymen to tear (bike riding, horse bike riding, etc.) and you stretch the hymen when you use tampons. Usually the hymen tears a little in adolescents, but for the most part, stays intact enough that it will tear completely the first time you have intercourse. This is usually what causes the pain most girls will feel.

Having said that, it’s not the kind of pain you need to be terrified about. Most girls report that once the initial pain/discomfort of breaking their hymens has passed, they find sex “okay” to even “pleasurable”.

Well, the whole point of having sex is to experience pleasure (and make babies of course – but that is something you should be avoiding by using condoms).

Besides the hymen issue, girls can find intercourse uncomfortable if they aren’t physically ready for it.

So what can you do to make your first time as enjoyable as possible?

1. Feel ready emotionally, mentally and physically before you do it. (Don’t have sex for the wrong reasons)
2. Relax and go slow.
3. Have lots of foreplay (kissing, touching, stroking – whatever turns you on)
4. Use lubrication (like KY Jelly or another condom friendly lube that you can buy at the drugstore. Use your own saliva if you don’t have anything else!)
5. Pick a partner you trust, someone who will be gentle with you and whom you are able to talk to.
6. Use a trusted form of birth control and condoms to reduce the risk of STI’s. (Yes, you can get pregnant the first time and you can catch a disease. If you aren’t worrying about these things by using a condom, it will make your experience much better).

Sex is supposed to feel good. The more comfortable you feel, the more turned on you are, and the fact that you are really ready to lose your virginity will all help make your first time as pain free and pleasurable as possible.

Here’s a letter I received recently from a reader I’ll call Missy:

Dear Samantha: I am 15 years old and recently I’ve been thinking about having sex with my 17 year old friend. I love him, and he loves me. We just arent together, because I just got out of a relationship 2 months ago.

He’s very respectful and never brought up the subject, it was me. I think I’m a little freak. Or just a tease, i like flirting. But I only trust a few. He is. So is it okay If i have sex with him even though i am only 15, & known this boy for about 2 months ?

Missy, most people like to flirt - it’s a fun thing to do! Flirting doesn’t make you a freak or a tease.
 
You say that you and your friend love each other but that you aren’t together. It sounds like you aren’t together because you aren’t ready for another relationship yet after your break-up two months ago.

If you aren’t ready for a relationship, what makes you think that you are ready for sex? Once you start having sex with someone, it will change your relationship with that person. It will take you out of the friend zone and into a more intimate one.

Before you have sex with him (or anyone else) you just have to decide if you are really ready. You need to ask yourself questions like:

• Am I emotionally prepared if having sex ruins our relationship (or friendship)?
• Do I have proper birth control (pills, condoms, etc) and proper STD prevention (condoms)?
• Are we both prepared to deal with an unwanted pregancy if the condom breaks? (These things do happen - it’s something you should think about.)
• Do I have a good friend or relative to talk to after losing my virginity if I feel the need to talk to someone?

Having sex is great - but it is more than just a physical act. We can’t help that our emotions get involved… so just make sure that you are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared before you decide to do it.

And use a condom!

Good luck!

A study of more than 2,000 teens has concluded that teens actually AREN’T having more oral sex to “stay virgins,” despite rumors to the contrary.

“There is a widespread belief that teens engage in non-vaginal forms of sex, especially oral sex, as a way to be sexually active while still claiming that, technically, they are virgins,” Laura Lindberg of the Guttmacher Institute in New York, who led the study, said in a statement.

“Our research shows that this supposed substitution of oral sex for vaginal sex is largely a myth.”

And here I was feeling left out because I thought everyone but me was going to these rainbow parties…

Having sex makes you pregnant. If you’re not using birth control and you’re a healthy girl, you’ll get pregnant.

Getting pregnant is great — if it’s what you want. Unfortunately, a lot of pregnancies are “accidents.” People have sex because they’re curious. Because they want to try it. Because it feels awesome and it’s fun.

And then they find out they’re pregnant, and there’s no going back.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Preventing pregnancy is a simple thing. Want to experiment with sex as much as you want without risking pregnancy? Here are the two best things you can do:

1. If you’re a woman, ask your doctor about the birth control pill. This isn’t for everyone, but if your doctor approves, you’ve got something that will prevent 99% or more of unplanned pregnancies.
2. Learn how to use a condom PROPERLY, and use one every time. This goes for guys and girls. A condom reduces the risk of pregnancy to nearly zero, and has the added bonus of keeping you safe from nasty STDs.

Just because you’re ready to try sex doesn’t mean you need to risk having a child. For more than 90 years, Planned Parenthood has been educating people about how their bodies work and how to CHOOSE when you’ll have children. I believe in and support the work they do.

So to give a little something back to this great organization at the end of 2007, I visited the Planned Parenthood website and found this notice:

So I committed 10% of this site’s proceeds right there — which I guess means donating the equivalent of 20%.

Planned Parenthood believes that everyone has the right to choose when or whether to have a child, that every child should be wanted and loved, and that women should be in charge of their destinies.

Amen to that.

Happy New Year. Be good to each other, and have fun out there.

In case you thought I didn’t read the gossip mags:

Troubled Britney Spears has been hit by allegations she actually lost her virginity at the age of 14… When Spears burst onto the music scene she famously vowed to remain a virgin until she was married.

I just hope she was using birth control back then.

A European study that “explores attitudes to sex, love and life” has found that 56% of respondents had sex for the first time without using any form of birth control.The study, conducted by Bayer Schering Pharma, found that about half of people “found condoms to be an interruption in foreplay.” Most of them agreed that the birth control pill helped them have more “spontaneous” sex.

That’s not very good news. Sure, the pill is effective at preventing most pregnancies — but it does nothing to protect either person from getting a sexually transmitted infection, or STI.

The pill won’t stop you from getting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as herpes, gonorrhea, or even HIV/AIDS. And you can’t tell from looking at someone whether they’ve got an STI. The only effective way to protect yourself is by using a condom EVERY time — and yes, that includes your first time.

The study did contain some good news too, which interestingly enough came from people in Ireland:

Love is still the number one thing to spice up sex, according to Irish respondents.

I agree. Gotta love the Irish.

I posted a while ago about a girl worried that her boyfriend isn’t ready for sex yet. A reader named Anna read the post and had this comment:

My boyfriend and I are not ready to have sex yet. We have great communication and respect each other a lot, but we are looking for other fun ways to spice up all the physical aspects of our relationship besides sex. What do you suggest?

There are so many wonderful things you can do without having intercourse. Here are a few ideas:

Give each other massages. Foot rubs, back rubs, head rubs and even hand rubs feel so good! You could also get a book on erotic massage and buy some nicely scented massage oils (like this Kama Sutra Massage Oil Therapy Kit) and give each other sensual massages. This would include as many parts of your body that you feel comfortable with. Our genitals are not the only parts that feel good when rubbed! Who doesn’t like a back massage?!

You could experiment with things like blindfolds and feathers. One partner is blindfolded and the other partner trails a nice soft feather across their skin. As long it doesn’t tickle, it should feel nice! You can also experiment with food. You can feed the blindfolded partner a strawberry or a piece of chocolate. Or have a little bit of chocolate sauce licked off of your breasts/stomach/wherever you wish.

Ice cubes on a hot day feel nice trailed over bare skin! Especially followed by kisses.

Then of course there is oral pleasure. If you are comfortable taking your physical acts to that level, oral pleasure is amazing! It’s certainly my favorite thing to receive, and it’s fun to give it as well.

Taking a bubble bath together can be very romantic, as long as the tub is big enough for both you!

Long make out sessions that involve getting kissed in places you might not even consider sexy (like the crease of your elbow) can be really hot! There’s the earlobe, neck, collarbone, etc. etc. Places that can make you shiver!

Have fun!

That’s the good news, according to researchers from the University of Virginia.

A story in News.com.au yesterday reported that “students who lost their virginity earlier were no more likely to shoplift, graffiti objects or engage in drug-related behaviour than their counterparts.”

So there. Sex doesn’t make you a bad person, no matter how early you have it.

Still, the findings weren’t all in favor of having sex when you’re young:

Early age at first sex has been linked to earlier leaving of the parental home, lower educational attainment, experiencing a pregnancy termination… and receiving medical treatment to facilitate pregnancy; greater psychological distress among college women; and experimentation with cocaine and other substances.

Also, (research has) found that physical involvement with a boyfriend among seventh- and eighth-grade girls predicted disordered eating.

In English, that means teens who start having sex at a young age (and the story doesn’t ever define what they mean by “young”) are more likely to…

• Leave home early,
• Fail classes or drop out,
• Get an abortion or have a miscarriage,
• Need medical help with pregnancy,
• Feel stressed out when they get into college,
• Experiment with drugs, and
• Develop some kind of eating disorder.

That’s a long and nasty list of negative things. Of course, these sorts of studies don’t actually indicate that early sex CAUSES any of those negative conditions… it just means that if you’re a person who does one, you’re statistically more likely to do the other.

Why does having sex early tend to match up with these negative life factors? Maybe it has something to do with taking risks. Sex is one of the biggest risks you can take — and if you’re the kind of person who takes that risk, maybe you’re more likely to make other risky decisions as well.

One thing is for sure: sex DOES complicate things. If your life is simple now and you like it that way, you should probably wait a while and enjoy the simple life while it lasts.

I read an interesting article in the New York Times today about researchers studying people who have sex with a friend — the kind of relationship known as “friends with benefits.”

The researchers surveyed 125 young men and women and found that 60 of them had had at least one “friends with benefits” type of relationship. Here’s what they found, according to Dr. Timothy Levine, one of the researchers:

“People got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first. But also that there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.”

When you’re thinking about having sex for the first time, one of the options you may have is to do it with a friend. This can have a lot of positive aspects if handled right. Being with someone you already trust and care for can make the experience a lot safer and more comfortable for both of you.

But a “friends with benefits” situation also has a lot of downsides. Even if you like to think you’re not an emotional person, sex is an extremely emotional experience — especially your first time. So if you’re considering losing your virginity with a friend, be prepared to face some emotional hurdles together that you didn’t anticipate.

Probably the biggest of those hurdles is the danger that these researchers brought up: one of you may find yourself more attracted than the other. Falling in love is risky and difficult enough, but when it happens between two people who have “agreed” to stay friends, it can cause a lot of problems, or even end the relationship.

Friends who could once talk about anything now have an unstated taboo topic — the relationship itself. In every conversation, there is innuendo; in every room, an elephant.

If you’re both honest and mature, you just might find that a “friends with benefits” situation is for you. Just be careful. It’s easy to get hurt, or to unintentionally hurt someone you care about. And that’s never worth it.

A newly married reader wrote in recently with this question:

I am 22, married about 5 months now, and I have never had sex before with my husband. We had decided to make it special after our wedding.

The problem is, when my husband wanted to try having sex, he was scared to hurt me and he got confused and couldn’t do anything. He is not ill, he is fine, but once he thinks I am going to be hurt, he gets scared. So I don’t even ask him to try any more because I don’t like to see that look on his face like he feels I need help.

Please, is there any other way to not be a virgin without needing my husband, at least for the first time? Then would it be easier for him? Please help.

Thanks for your question! It takes a lot of courage to ask such a personal question

First, congratulations on your new marriage! I hope you and your husband will enjoy many happy years together.

After reading your letter, it sounds to me like you both have a lot to learn about sex! It’s okay to be scared — when you don’t know how to approach it, sex can seem overwhelming and frightening. However, to make sex enjoyable, all you need is some information!

To answer your question — YES! There are lots of techniques you can use to become comfortable with your body so you’re prepared to enjoy sex BEFORE you have it for the first time. As a woman, I know how frightening it can be when you don’t know if it’s going to hurt. And I know how intimidating that fear can be for your husband as well.

However, you learn a lot about how to please yourself AND your husband, all while still remaining a virgin. Learning to enjoy sexual pleasure is a long and wonderful journey, and you and your husband can take that journey together. Done right, there’s no need for you to worry about pain — you can make it sweet, gentle, and beautiful for both of you.

I recommend that you buy a copy of my guide and read it together as a couple. By learning and communicating together about sex, you’ll both feel more confident and ready to enjoy sex later. I’ll tell you how to prepare your own bodies — and explore each other’s bodies so you’re comfortable and happy to get in bed and start having fun.

You can pick up a trial copy of my book to use for a full 30 days for just 99 cents. If you decide to keep it at the end of the 30 days, it’s a total cost of just $27 — but you can return it anytime within 30 days and not pay another cent. To order, visit www.firstimesecrets.com/order.html.

I guarantee it will get your love life off to a great start.